i'm trying not to wonder where you are

My city's still breathing (but barely it's true) through buildings gone missing like teeth. The sidewalks are watching me think about you, all sparkled with broken glass. I'm back with scars to show. Back with the streets I know. They never take me anywhere but here. Those stains in the carpet, this drink in my hand, these strangers whose faces I know. We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say " I wanted it this way" and wait for the year to drown. Spring forward, fall back down. I'm trying not to wonder where you are. All this time lingers, undefined. Someone choose who's left and who's leaving. Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me: some matches, a blanket, this pain in my chest, the best parts of Lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires, new words for old desires, and every birthday card I threw away. I wait in 4/4 time. Count yellow highway lines that you're relying on to lead you home.

the weakerthans: left and leaving

to never regret means you have to forget

Looking back now
I only wish I had been kinder
Did I ever know love, did I ever know love?
And could I have been blinder?

you're all this heart is living for.

God has been extremely good to me lately. I am listening to Him daily for the first time in such a long time and it is the most refreshing aspect of renewing myself again. Someone asked me the other day if I sought God out for his beauty or for His usefulness, and of course, I replied with the latter. I realized that at one point in my life I did seek Him out for His beauty, I realized that was almost four years ago. Time has gone on so quickly. I am approaching the real world soon, and since those days of sheer love for God, I have lost myself in between books, boys, and just about any tangible distraction that I could hold on to.

I didn't realize how much discipline it takes to actually seek Him out. I regret every moment I replaced Him with something else. I really missed this peace that I drove away myself. I cannot wait for the future and all that He has planned for me. I am so excited for now and for the first time ...I am really embracing the life that I was meant to live.

i'll never say that i'll never love.

Did I really just delete half a year of journal entries earlier this week? I did. There was something about cookie recipes and themes of uncertainty that left me almost afraid to look back.

I'm starting over (again) with a lot of things in life, and from now on, everything stays (good or bad).

So much has happened, and I am finally growing into my skin.

This has been overdue. I am so excited for what God has to offer for my life.

COMPANY SPOTLIGHT: "HOME" by jasmine

(look at that dress! she made it. isn't it lovely?)

As we were pacing around the basketball court outside of our small Christian school, Jasmine decided that she was going to plot out our futures. I was going to marry a surfer, she was going to marry a chef, and our other friend, Lexy would join the CIA. However arbitrary this was, we somehow held on so close to those predictions as though they really would happen one day (just because she said that they would). Of course, she was joking. This was nearly ten years ago and we have come so far since then.

Our perfect lives of Victorian houses, small towns, adventures around Dover somehow became overshadowed by college, relationships, and her big move to North Carolina. Without getting into much detail, Jasmine was the girl that other girls hated and boys loved until she lost her New England identity of a beauty queen with her move to the South. The former Miss Teen New Hampshire candidate went to North Carolina with the intention to live her life in the most genuine way possible.

And so she did. She traded her crown for a sewing kit and a pair of torn jeans.

She now has her own little clothing line called "HOME" (how perfect), to reflect all of the good times that we shared with our friends and family back in those small towns of New Hampshire. The line consists of beautiful summer dresses and shirts that remind me of Mod Cloth and Zooey Deschanel. Check it out, you won't be disappointed. I promise that she will be your new favorite designer.

C: What is your company's name and how did it start?
J: My company's name is called Home..and our little "catch phrase" is your heart, my home. Oh goodness it all started when my bf and I decided to make a baby blanket. After that I went on a sewing fever. I couldn't stop sewing so we eventually came up with the idea of opening our own little shop on Etsy. Home is a word that has a lot of meaning to me as well. It represents my home town Dover (603!), it also represent the feeling I get with my bf. Also, the song "Home" is wonderful. So all in all it started with a fever that grew and a great boyfriend to keep be inspired.

C: What inspires you to create these lovely designs?
J: Everything around me really! Also just anything feminine, floral, and just down right pretty. I go to the store and just pick out things I like and later come up with what they will become.

C: I know that you were once a candidate for Miss Teen NH and also modeled, but you've come so far along since then. Who are you now and what is some advice that you can give to girls to inspire natural beauty?
J: I feel as if now I have a better understanding of who I am and that is a creative person. I love designing and making things! I can't imagine not doing that now. I am also much more comfortable with who I am, less makeup and less messing with hair straighteners haha. My advice is less is more really, I know it may be over used but its so true! Keep the make up down the bare minimums. Your skin will feel so much better and so will you. Your natural features will shine through. Also with my line I try to make everything as comfortable as possible. Being beautiful shouldn't be painful. Who wants to wear a painful dress or shirt anyways? So softer fabrics, less suffocating zippers, and just plain old comfort. Be comfortable in who you are, thats really what makes a girl beautiful.

C: What do you value most in life and why?
J: Thats a tough one I'll list my top three. My wonderful family, I don't know what I'd do with out them. My dad is my hero and I wouldn't be where I am today with out him. Second, my amazing friends ( like you!) and boyfriend. They give me strength, smiles, and amazing times. Lastly, the little things. Such as warm sunshine, chocolate chip pancakes at midnight, and everything in between. I love my life, and I am so blessed.


Check out Jasmine's ETSY: http://www.etsy.com/shop/ohcupcakes

we planted our kisses where the wild berries grow

Sometimes there is nothing better in life than falling asleep happy after a day filled with peppermint ice cream on a snowy day, beautiful smiles, and a reading of the Psalms.

I'm slowly getting over California, trying to accept what God has been telling me -- which is essentially that it is not my time. I'm sad to say that I still don't understand why, but I know that the answers will come in time. I have no regrets, but there are days when New England just feels too lonely.

I'm finding hope in spring. Lately, I've been trying to renew all that I have seemed to lost through time; it has been a mixture of something painful and paradoxically beautiful at the same time. For two years, I have been in attempt to recover and move forward at the same time, it's becoming more difficult than I ever expected, but things are looking up. I keep thinking about something someone told me nearly five years ago -- that my mind was this beautiful mess that will never be aligned with the life that I would be living. I've worked through my teenage years trying to fight that concept, and slowly, with the help of so many people I am finally able to pursue whatever it is that I want for my life -- whether it be my future career or whatever it is I choose do to this summer.

For the first time in a long time, I can't wait for whatever life has in store for me.

and it was a good start.

Happy (almost) Valentine's Day!

All I want to do is dance to Fair and watch Garden State. I think that women romanticize their lives too much.